Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:03 Am I always this naked your mask. Well, of course not, but I do prefer to tell the naked truth. You see, I like it juicy, raw and uncensored. The truth that is not must come everyone. So today I want to talk about a very touchy subject. I'm hoping most of my subjects are inspiring. Today's topic is about rejection in or abandonment. So again, once you cross that bridge, sometimes you don't know how it feels. I did not know I had trauma. I've been in my trauma until my last relationship of August 20, 20, as hard as it was to experienced it. I knew it would be a good thing for me. And that's why I ride ride the waves so well, because I was not yet doing a PD party, poor me. How dare he? How could he, and why me kind of a thing, of course it's happening is hurting, but I know there's a purpose for, for the happenings of life.
Speaker 0 00:01:38 Like my other group were Silas so much high since our Chally, we missed her podcasts. When are you going to have our podcast back? That's an iPad topic. So I love watching, not watching while hearing Spencer Charlie's podcast. She often says, life is what happened for you and not to you. And of course, that's probably a repeating Crow, but that's where I heard it first from her. And I love her podcast. And it's really sad that she does not do podcasts anymore. And so that stuck with me that quote. And so it helps me when, when whatever I go through, it helps me with that a lot because I know life is for me. And whatever's happening is happening for my wellbeing. Even though my ego will feel hurt, or even if it's not relevant, if it's the life is, life is tough. I will not say life is impossible when life is hard.
Speaker 0 00:02:41 I will not say that. However, I'll say life is challenging. And life is tough because challenges and toughness is, you know, you, you gain muscles, you're gained stamina, you gain growth and all this. Uh, however, if you sing is hard, then you feel defeated. I have a thing with words by the way, which you will find out. So I didn't know I had abandoned my issues until I fell in love, or I felt in trauma bond with my lover Railo and he may feel differently. That's fine too. We're talking about me, how I perceived the situation. And when I went through, I, of course we're talking raw story here. I, because I had a background of Jehovah's witness, where we, as a holder of his witness or speaking for myself, thinking or thinking patter of I'm above it, all of emotions above it, all life happenings, I can thrive through things and it's whatever, whatever flipped your hair, flip your hair.
Speaker 0 00:03:58 I wish you have hair y'all and that's a good attitude to have ever falling into it of ego is not so good. So having that situation happening to me was tough for some in mind, be like, yeah, whatever, you don't know what bottom, but you know how that was my situation. And I'm grateful that I have not gone through rock bottom, but that situation felt like rock bottom. For me to me, I experienced depression. I experienced self-loathing. I experienced not loving myself. I did things that were not good for myself. So let's stay on track. So betterment issues. So the way I do it abandoned meant that I did not know prior to that experience. And thank you, rhino and Ms. Calm for crossing paths with me to have me have that realization and have that realization, of course not exactly a hundred percent because of you, but because you were that player in that piss up puzzle.
Speaker 0 00:05:07 I thank you. I love you. And I have great respect for you and I, yeah. And you know it because I express that through action, as well as words and not only towards you, but of course to me, because I cannot do anything to you if I couldn't do it for myself first. So the way I deal with abandonment issue is I've noticed after 2020 through that experience is I'm a great host. I'm a great friend. I'm a great lover. I have been told by friends and lovers that I'm the best lover and the best host and the best friend. And I didn't know why I was those things. I just thought I was those things. I wasn't those things, but those are the reason behind it because I've been in the issues through self-help books, uh, podcasts, YouTube, watching seminars going through it. I realize I do my best in people's lives to keep them in my life. I treat them better than me, better than I treat myself to keep them in my life. So I will not get up and done. And guess what?
Speaker 0 00:06:40 I would say, 95% of the time I get up in any way. However, I will not say that I was ever cleaning. Cleaning is not what I've ever done or is not me. I treat people well, I treat people five star, the best Harbor. I let people go as well. I truly believe once you love someone, you set them free, let them go. And of course, when you pull bended me, it hurts, but it never hurt as much as it did with me and rhino for some reason. And I think would mean right away. I would love people before, or I've said that I've fell in love before, but I never fell in love as I did with rhino.
Speaker 0 00:07:33 And I never experienced depression after the rejection and the lost of the physical closeness that we had, or even the energetic thing that we had together. And so I realized that I was like, wow, I treat people. I wasn't treating people well, let's get that straight up. I was not treating people well, so it can stay in my life because I was fixing it. Not at all. That's who I am. I treat people well, period. However, when I treat both five star go above and beyond get good people. The last piece of bread that I have give people my mask so they can breathe. And I suffocate is not healthy, but I was doing that because of abandonment issues to keep them in my life. But I treat people well, period. And so that's what I realized in of course, when I've had rejection in the past, I practice none attachment and I don't think I practiced non attachment would rattle at all.
Speaker 0 00:08:46 And again, as I've mentioned in previous videos previous or after that, rhino was mostly an experiment in a sense of how far I can go in my mantras and in my, how can I walk my talk of spirituality of good character? So through righto, I was able to love unconditionally him, myself, love him beside his fault in myself, beside my fault. And as my grew. So I grew says, I'm not quoting why miss quote him, that when you fall in love, you're actually falling in love with yourself. So anything that you cannot give out why he's not you and orange is an as Jews do not give apple juice. Aline does not give vinegar. So when I fell in love, there is, he was part of piece of the puzzle. I believe that, of course we all say, and we seen the quote that people come into us for a season four for an episode, whatever chapter and sometimes forever, what is forever anyway, when you die guess so that's what he was part of my life, or to help me realize those things.
Speaker 0 00:10:11 And because I was willing and ready, I was able to overcome them and go through it. And so what I've learned about abandon abandonment is I'm glad that ride is no longer here, but if he was still here, if you were still interacting, I could not really tell you how we would interact being raw uncut. Tell me the truth. If Rialto beside, even though have you treated me, if he wanted to be together, I would want to be together with him. And it hurts me to say that, and I have this thing on my throat, you know that thing. And if you're watching this, you might be like, oh my God, how could you want to be with that person? Dude, I've sent the same thing prior 2020, I would be that person who will be on the other side, who has not worn someone's shoes and be like, oh, how could you do it?
Speaker 0 00:11:19 Oh, perfect example. Remember that show with ed, ed, no neck, et cetera. That show, I forget what it's called on TLC. And I used to be that person watching that show and be like, oh my God, hi, could you kick them off the CRA Chrome girlfriend and all this crazy talk? Yeah. When it's you, you don't got crazy talks. So yeah. And one of the reason I have to, to this cast is to stop bullshitting myself and stop bullshitting others. I realized that I have feelings and I'm not above feelings. I'm not above feeling hurt and I'm not above it all. And I'm humbled. Now that experience humbled me. Yes. And of course, I don't want anyone to change. None that I want anyone to change, regardless if I want anyone to change or not. If rhino wants to change his bad nasty behaviors, which is not who he is, but he's behavior, his wife, he chooses to do.
Speaker 0 00:12:28 If you would change that, I would love to be with him because I love him for who he is. And on in here, he's spirit, his heart and I could see through it. And I practiced that in and I feel it intuitively honestly, in, of course, if he's treating me like shit, like he has, of course I'd want to be with him because of that, because I need to love myself. I need to be there for myself because if I'm not there for myself, like I was not. And I went through depression and everyone knows me as straight edge. Yes, I've been straight edge, but I've tried alcohol and drugs and smoked just so I can keep Rialto in my life. That was very unloving of me to do.
Speaker 0 00:13:32 Yeah. That was tough. I couldn't believe it myself, but it happened. I couldn't believe how so. Wouldn't be abundant by someone that I loved or had trauma bond with. I did the things that he enjoys doing too. Quite frankly, we all know it. No, no sugar coating here. Those things are destructive. He choose to be an alcoholic to be, to destroy his life. He choose to have judge addictions or any addictions to destroy his life. He chooses to smoke. And I also chose those things to destroy my life. That's my self accountability. You can have your own opinion about what happens to your life. You can have your own, your own opinion about what I'm saying, that's your prerogative. But my life is my self accountability. I did those things to myself, which were bad and hashtag never again.
Speaker 0 00:14:46 I cannot do those things for <inaudible> anymore or anyone else. And there's a first time for everything. And I experienced it at that cross that bridge and never again that now people need to earn my trust. You would need to earn my heart. I'm tempted to say my love, but my love is for everyone. I love. I was able and it was shown to me that I was able, and I did it to love anyone and especially right, or unconditionally, if you're able to love your enemy or someone who hurt you so much, I think that's the purest form of love.
Speaker 0 00:15:32 Forgive me. I'm going through emotions again. Yeah. I'm so grateful for that piece of the puzzle that I was able, that I'm able to love unconditionally. I'm able to have empathy for someone and for someone else, for myself, able to have compassion, kindness, and apply wisdom. And of course in that situation, I was not doing those things that, as I mentioned, it's like brushing your teeth, like taking showers, changing clothes. And it's things you have to keep price. Practicing is still mantra is life. It's not even spirituality. It's not even religion. It's just life people. And my takeaway in that is I'm grateful that I knew I'd been in it is I'm grateful how I processed rejection. Even when re when I get rejected online, through wanting to have friendship with some people, all wanted me to have a career careers. Another thing, that's why I'm an entrepreneur or one of the reasons I'm an entrepreneur.
Speaker 0 00:16:37 I'm an entrepreneur. First of all, because that's what life the universe gave me. And second and forced to be entrepreneur. Even though I live in New York city have great backgrounds, is someone refused to give me a job. What kinder I can keep bribing to get a job. And if people reject to me based on whatever reason they have in their hearts, a lot of people have said his skin color or whatever. I don't care what it is. So they reject me because they're prerogative, even though I do my best. And so I have to be an entrepreneur and I'm being very grateful. I wouldn't call myself successful as an entrepreneur, but I am grateful and contend that I'm successful enough to have a roof over my head. And I eat like a king and palace, like, come on, maybe I'm successful. Maybe I could just stay great farm successful.
Speaker 0 00:17:38 And I guess when I sound less successful, I'm just measuring it with doubt dollar signs. So fine. That's fair with that. But in life I am successful in life. Definitely because I define success as how I am here in my heart, how I am here in my mental capacity. I'm grateful. I'm not mentally ill because I that's tough. Uh, yeah, that's tough. So how to do it in, on bed in mint, I would say be truthful to yourself, ask yourself that question, be vulnerable and ask the universe and be ready to experience abandonment and experienced rejection and feel it and do not take it personally and do not make that person to be an evil person because we all battling our own thing. And Rialto is the way I think in that, have we talked about his opinion issues is the way he abandoned. He has to abandoned people first, so he can have the power that he rejected someone because as we study and know that a narcissist have to reject first to have the power over somebody and, and that's how they keep their power.
Speaker 0 00:19:07 And that's how they do not. Cause rejection is whatever rejection is. It feels like a dagger in your, in your stomach. So they reject. Firstly, do not feel rejected. So you do not feel depressed, depressed, or sad, et cetera. And, and it's interesting how two people can have two different ways of dealing with a bed emit and rejection. I do my best to keep people around by treating them like Kings and Queens. A lot of times, 95% of the time I get rejected anyway. So I don't know how people treat him or other people. Let's say if your style of abandonment coping, coping mechanism is to reject people first. So you won't get to rejected. So therefore you might be with a friend, a lover, or a family member where they treat you like king, and then you were skeptical or you don't do not believe that you are worthy of love, or you hire so negative in your thinking that let me reject them first before they reject me, because love is not real and love does not exist forever. Then you might miss out on something. Good.
Speaker 0 00:20:24 So I'm grateful. I'm not the style where I reject people first, so I can have the power and then miss out on something good. And maybe my style of re of coping with rejection and abandonment issues of treating people better than me better. The way I treat myself, I can not say is the best either, but I would choose that over the other one. Definitely. Now I'm learning too. People have to earn to get in my heart. People have to earn, to be in my space, meaning that they have to show me what action, not only what words would action, that they're deserving to be in my space, my energy, they need to give me energy. It's like a given take his lack of collaboration. It's not a compromise, it's a collaboration. And so how do you deal with rejection? How have you dealt with rejection? What is your abandonment style and how do you cope? Please tell me in the description below and please tell other people. I hope this story amongst other stories I will tell is inspiring to you. And trust me, it was hard. It's been hard for me to tell my story and another great thing.
Speaker 0 00:21:53 I'm sorry. Another great thing that <inaudible> had taught me had helped me realize is that to be vulnerable. And I fought so hard to not be vulnerable because the fifth song that I've written and that's actually currently in production is called these times. And depending when this video will dropped, I will put a description on the, the link of the song. So the song is about beside abandonment issues above vulnerability. Hi, keep a wall. I kept full wall in my heart to keep people like rival away. But then I, it's not healthy either to put a wall in guards around your heart, but is good to have bouncers or even an interviewer to weed people out or to filter people, but putting a guard and high gates and spikes and being a loner to me is not healthy either. And that's what I've done. And rhino had humbled me humbled me so much on my knees to learn about my abandonment rejection and to be vulnerable. And I kind of was re I kind of regretted that I was vulnerable with him. I was wonderful with him, the most of our relationship and because of that, I was taking advantage of anyone's my fault as well, self accountability.
Speaker 0 00:24:28 And the last time I was really deep and vulnerable was when he came to my room and said, the only way we could be physically intimate is if we drink,
Speaker 0 00:24:46 Get drunk and do drugs and all my sexual life, I hadn't the number one rule. You need to be sober. No, hashtag me too for me. No, thank you. Not even that. I need someone to be sober because they need, I need to know we're doing this because they want to, we're doing this because they would love to we're doing this because they love me and they want to be with me. And I was, I need someone to be there, not the spirit that they've taking in temporarily, but because I was so much in trauma and bond with Railo and I so much self voting for myself around that time, it was so much time of discovery for me. It was so sorry. We drank. And I did, And we smoke cigs or whatever. I can't believe how I did not love myself so much. Last time I cried like this, I can't believe, And no I'll be shamed or guilty myself to cry, and I need to cry. And even like forcing not to, because I'm not used to it. You know, to tell you, boys don't cry or excuses cry, or you're gay, or is feminine to cry. And in, in the song with trauma bond, rye, Lori and I, uh, we wanted to cry re cried, but not like this.
Speaker 2 00:27:38 Um,
Speaker 0 00:27:58 I know this may not seem like a great thing. Like, trust me, this is taking me a lot of strength to do this because I'm done with bullshitting myself. I'm done wearing a mask. I'm done pushing others. I'm done hurting my heart. Uh, I don't know what else to say. Those of you who have gone through similar frustration. You tell me, I hope this has been inspired to inspiring too, because I am inspired by my own story. I'm inspired by <inaudible> story. I'm inspired by your story that I hear on Wednesdays and let's stop bullshitting ourselves. This stop shaming ourselves. Let's stop guilting ourselves. Let's stop judging ourselves and less stop judging shaming, guilting others. We are one person. We're a one people let's apply. Love, compassion, empathy, and acceptance for each other. Let's collaborate with each other. Yes, we are 7 billion people in the world, poverty and war. We have different ways of interacting with each other. Let's not see shadow has other, let's see each other as, as our cells and have compassion. And, and thank you. <inaudible> for being that piece of the puzzle that that's in my life, that was in my life. And also thank you know, his real name, but Mikey, my former lovers, my former lover, uh, past, uh, 2011, 12 and 13 in late, early 14 that you taught me other things you taught me to be love and peace and Zen.
